Acceptance Of The 6.

The day I chose to seek the truth , confirm my self doubt
and face my darkest insecurities.

The harsh reality of selfishness one can possess is in
some ways uncomprehendable. As we all have our secrets
Including our closest , you find faith in humankind and the
heart behind mistakes.

I struggle with how some can treat their loved ones in ways
I could never imagine. Lies and unfaithful actions was never
in my nature . My strength in compassion and empathy became
my worst enemy. My trust had been damaged , my hope in
emotion was all I had left to grasp. The moments and memories
so real… Or a delusional concept of my denial.

To this day I stand unanswered , yet accepting .

The one man i thought I knew better than himself, the one I dedicated
my deepest love and sacrifice to , brought my fears to a living nightmare.
A six year relationship sworn to commitment , passionate friendship
and intentions of marriage and children .. now seems all but a sad movie.
It was never an easy trail from the start however I was accepting of all
flaws for exchange of our strength to overcome such difficulties .
It was magnetic in the beginning , sexually consistent and free spirited fun.

I was safe , I was learning , I was the princess . Unfortunately not the only one. I was engaged in his pattern of thoughts, the looks in his eyes and consumed with making exceptions for any actions I didn’t really agree with.
I could understand him and how his mind battled with certain life traumas.
As the years passed , the cracks began to show.
I admit I started to struggle , I could see my maturity was blossoming and my mind was opening to new findings. I realised that didn’t sit well .

Throughout the relationship we both battled with addictions . From alcohol , green and then to bottom of the cycle where no limits were questionable. As my drug use became reliant , I also became more in tune with myself, a little more confident. My whole life I forever would seem dependence on another , usually that being of the male figure. I know realise I wasn’t the only one who suffered such self doubt, but the man I loved thrived the same nurture . At my expense.

Reaching six years my itch for answers to my instinct grew stronger by the day. Not once had I ever looked into my partners privacy amongst others even though I suspected there were things hidden under me.
I looked , and I found. Which was only the starting point to the weeks of truth unravelling yet to come. To cut a long story short , everything I thought I knew … Was completely wrong . The endless lies and manipulation are too much to imagine. My best friend , my everything was a stranger.

I have come to accept that I will never hear a confession or explanation for why he did the things he did. I can no longer understand his perception of love. I have come to terms that you cannot change the product of someone’s wants or needs. The realisation has been devastating, mentally straining and emotionally unhealthy. However Iam still here , and that is to be who I really am. I have taken a positive from such a heartbreaking negative . The anger , the sadness, the regret , the vengeance , the lost has somehow started to reform into my drive . I take it as a lesson . And one I believe was necessary to entail, so that my path can continue in my destined direction.

Although my flaws are still in arms reach , and my battles with self worth are still constant , my focus is to better myself. I hold no hatred towards my situation . It is in better interest for my once lover and I to now go on our separate journeys and seek our desires to there fullest.

I cannot yet say I forgive as such, but Iam accepting. Il take what I learnt along the way and use it to never fall trap to vindication . Love is blind .

Don’t ever underestimate , assume or expect . Your instinct is your only trustee.

He was a great actor I must say, a mastermind in hiding his deceptions.
A lost soul who has much learning to progress. I can only hope a better future for him without the need to sacrifice others to gain satisfaction.

Another chapter begins for me…
Now it’s my story.
Special thanks to the joker
And the players within false friendships .

Iam seamless , with a heart of stone and wiser than the fools gold.

Indigo Riot
Kortni Portia